Tag: comedy

Pandemic of Crime (comedy)

My dear readers, today I have to inform you about something very serious in these awful Covid-19 times.  There is a much greater pandemic that you need to fear – it is a pandemic of crime.  But not of drugs and illicit sex.

I think we can still all remember the good old days.  Remember, when all you had to worry about was getting high or maybe being robbed or knifed on your way to get some groceries.

But now the world is beset by a plague of social distancing crime.  All you have to do is look out your window to see the horror of people walking too close together or too far from their homes.  The worst is the little kiddies or what I like to call “germ grenades”.  Honestly, what way are they being raised to not know to come within two metres of anyone.

Things have gotten so bad I had to report my own parents yesterday.  They told me where they were going for their “walk” and when I did the calculation after they left, it was 2.05km away.  You can only imagine my shock.  Talk about setting their impressionable 40 year-old son a bad example.  Well being the good citizen that I am, I immediately rang the local Garda Station.

“You want to report your parents, really?”

“Yes Sir,” I replied with conviction, “and you should fine them.  They knew what they were doing.”

Things haven’t really been the same in the house since.  The parents keep saying that they don’t want me there anymore.  Eh, haven’t they learned anything?  That would just be another breach.  I told them not to worry,  I won’t leave them alone during the crisis.

That’s it for now readers.  Stay safe everyone.

Covid-19 Survival Guide #3 (Comedy)

Well hello, readers!  I’m still here.  Hey, I’m as surprised as anyone.  This crisis we’re going through is shockingly boring though.  I don’t know, I think I was expecting more excitement.  Like if there was a nuclear war we could go outside and see the fireworks.  Whereas this crisis is all about shutting yourself off from everything.  Quite frankly, I would have prepared to read about it in the history books.

No sport too – what a disaster.  At this stage, I’d be happy to watch two ants climbing a wall.  But just my luck, I can’t find any.  There is a spider but where’s the competition?  Life is so cruel.  Maybe what we need is a transfer market.  So people can buy/sell their spiders and form teams.  Then we could have a league.  Maybe it’s the delirium but I feel it could work.  To remember the olden times we could call it The Premiership.

So these days I’m working from home.  Probably just as well, my hair is a mess.  Honestly, next time I must get it cut before the world goes to hell.  I get to look into a computer screen all day but at least I can turn on some music and wear my pajamas (so comfy).  Guess things could be worse.

So, it looks like this evil coronavirus is going to long overstay its welcome.  Remember everyone, wash your hands and coronavirus, please go away!

 

 

Covid-19 Survival Guide #2 (comedy)

Well readers, I am sure your all just as happy as me to hear that I’m still alive and kicking, well alive anyway.

I am here hunkered down in front of my computer typing away.  Much like every other Saturday I guess, but now with a new found sense of doing my duty, even if I had feck all else to do anyway.  If only it was always so easy to serve my country.

This crisis is having many profound effects on my psychology though and it may prove disastrous for my writing.  Usually I thoroughly enjoy writing about misery and death, but recently it has not been the same.  It’s like my heart’s not in it anymore.  I’m even thinking about writing something happy instead, maybe even a romance novel or something.  Ew!  Maybe I have that infection already..

During these times of crisis I’m trying to keep my mind focused on the important things in life like house prices and what is happening to the ISEQ.  Of course, making sure Ihave adequate tvs and working broadband to see me through any potential quarantine is also vital.  So many things to worry about.

I am also worried about you my dear readers.  Hopefully none of yous kick the bucket.  That would be really bad for my site statistics.

Till next time.  Remember to wash your hands!

Coronvirus Covid 19 Survival Guide (comedy)

My dear readers, I know that you are looking for leadership at this time of crisis and I feel that I with no medical knowledge or experience whatsoever should offer some advice.  Afterall, if Trump is doing it, it must be grand.

Sure really it’s all a bit of common sense.

We all know that the best way to get better from something is to pass it on.  This should be really easy in the open plan offices we have these days (don’t worry, I’m sorted).  So god forbid you become infected, make sure to have a good cough here, there and everywhere.  I’m sure you’ll get lucky.  If there’s people you don’t like now would be time to spend some time with them.

Very important – remember the three second rule.  Otherwise, I guess you really should think about washing things.

Don’t drink water.  Only drink “living” water from fruit.  Eh, you want to die being fashionable, don’t you?  And everyone know germs need water to survive.

Make sure you have Netflix.  Sometimes the apocalypse can be a tad slow and boring.  You may have to spend a lot of time indoors.

Watch the Walking Dead and remember things could always be worse.  Mmm scratch that one.  It could teach you useful survival tips though.

Don’t plan for the future.  There’s simply no point.  No more studying or saving for trips that are now impossible.

Don’t panic.  Only joking, of course you should!  We’re all going to die.

(The writer accepts no responsibility for this article.)

Writing (comedy)

Hello readers, I’m back again.  They didn’t tell me in Specsavers that I’d ever see 2020 but here it is.  It’s been quite a long hiatus but at least I did something somewhat productive in our time apart.  I have finished my latest novel!  Okay, so I’m getting it reviewed, I might have to rewrite large parts yet but hopefully not lol  So it’s going to be called “The Irish Ripper” and no, its not about flatulance, but rather the hunt for a serial killer that’s terrorizing Ireland.  As you can imagine, it will be for adult readers only or kids with money.  I’d never send kids with money away, that would be censorship and that is something I’m totally against, unless it’s something bad about myself naturally.

I have been watching lots of youtube videos about how to improve your writing.  Don’t use adverbs, character arcs, how to write an opening chapter etc.  They are very good, if only youtube was around for the Leaving Cert, I’d have got all As.  Okay so I might be exaggerating but I surely would have bested that D1 in ordinary level Irish.  Not sure if people will bother with school in the future, it’s become obsolete with the all knowing Google and youtube.  You don’t even have to get up early.  It’s almost too easy.  Although they do expect you to work very hard, maybe that’s because they’re American and take everything so serious.

Being reading “Pride and Prejudice” for what seems like forever.  There are three volumes and I’ve only gotten through the first one.  I almost want those sisters married off quickly as much as their mother!

So Christmas has once more come and gone.  Ah well, at least the summer will be shortly here.  Always prefer that time of year anyway and who knows, maybe I’ll be a millionnaire by then, fingers crossed.

Till next time..

Skyfall (comedy)

Every now and then I decide to do something totally crazy, but this time I might have totally lost the plot.  I decided to cancel my Sky subscription, afterall I could still watch Netflix, have some of the free channels and the RTE player.  Sure, I’ll hardly notice I thought to myself.

That first night I was quite proud of myself thinking of all the suckers paying for their sky; I was now just better than the average person.  Admittedly I was somewhat surprised by how few stations I now had, but I was brave even if there was now no Rte.

Night 2 – A slight flaw in my cunning plans.  My “smart” tv, which in my mind is new is actually a few years old and is now incompatible with the internet, apart from netflix.  Even RTE is dodgey.

Night 5 – This might even be worse than when I tried to give up alcohol for a month.  That didn’t end well..  There are not even enough channels to mindlessly flick through. Aaaargh!

Week 2 – Oh how great it would be to see people being ripped apart on The Walking Dead once more, an interesting documentary on anything except food or even just hear the chimes before six one.  All those small pleasures have now been whittled away.

Week 3 – My “precious”.  Must get my “precious” back.

Week 4 – Note to oneself – Never attempt abstinence of anything again.  It’s just not me.  Now me and My Sky are back together for ever and ever.

I believe in better.

 

 

One long trip to Lahinch

It was with great excitement that I woke up last Friday with a trip to Lahinch for a birthday party ahead of me.  Well, you know I was still a bit bleary eyed for a half hour or so but I got myself psyched up to get out of bed; a momentous feat.

A person who we’ll call Slave Driver A was to accompany me.  Sorry, I mean Mr. A.  He was to be kind of like my personal chaffeur and carer/drinking buddy when I arrive.  I do love people who can multitask.

So we packed our stuff, voted (I’m just so responsible) and off we went.

But sometimes your day can just take on a life of its own.

We were only just outside Mullingar when a car pulled out in front of us.  For a brief second, I thought my driver, who was about to take a direct hit was a goner.  My position more to the rear of the vehicle left me quietly confident I’d be okay (I’m an optimistic type).

This would still have caused me problems though and make me a tad bit sad.  Like who would drive me to Lahinch at such short notice and where would I get another vehicle?

Fortunately, driver A used all his skills to avoid a collision and the nightmare of missing the party was averted.  So, on we went.

But I had forgotten that the more we went West, the more we were leaving civilization.  Mullingar is surrounded by beautiful motorways that mostly go in straighlines over the flat midland topography.

Out West, they have the Corkscrew where you climb a kilometre in a series of tight zig zag bends.  It was far from this sort of thing that I was reared.

The Midlands is full of green and lush with vitality.  In the West they have lots of stones and hills, but most of all bumpy roads that my lovely ass is not accustomed to.  I can see why Cromwell thought it would be a good spot for the natives.

So, on and on we drove before our will to keep going sapped from us and we stopped in Lisdoonvarna.  It’s hard to believe such a small spot has such a grip on the national consciousness but it’s a place full of surprises, especially when you see the armed Garda Response Unit racing about the place and closing roads.  Having had a lovely meal and strangely, still no drink, we continued to our next stop – The Cliffs of Moher.

The gale blowing in detracted nothing from their beauty.  This was the third time to see them and to be honest I think they’re way more impressive than the Giants Causeway in the North.  The scenery is awesome and I do have to admit that, even as a lover of flat terrain.

In true millennial spirit from two old fogeys, we made sure to get our instagrammable photos.  I’ve learned over many years of using social media that it’s very important to make other people jealous.  Otherwise you will have no friends and nobody will like you.

Then it was the last hop to Lahinch to the actual party of Mr G.

The best thing about going to birthdays is it reminds you that your friends are getting older just like you.  A tad disappointingly, he has not been cursed by baldness or grey hair but the day will come.

In truth there were only a few times that I noticed the difference between his eighteenth and his forthieth birthdays.  Well for one, his fairly grown up children but even more so how his judgement on wheelchair accessibility has improved over the years.

This time when I asked about whether the disco was accessible  he gave me kind of a so so response.  Indeed the footpath was a bit difficult to get up on but nothing too bad.

But if his eighteen year old self had given me that same response, it would have mean’t I was fucked;  that the plan was the lift me up a flight of stairs and hopefully there would be a few soberish people at the end of the night to get me down someway alive.

At the disco/nite club I got some Oasis played.  All the young people there must have been rightly befuddled.  It was a bit of a change from the rave that was going on, but surely even they can admit that nineties music was the best.

Then just at the end of the night, a young lad asked if he could ask me a personal question.  As every lad in a wheelchair knows, this is almost always a dick question and to be honest I thought it an unusual time/place to ask but always curious, I told him to fire ahead.

I had my answer all ready when he asked a totally different question.  His heart was in the right place.  I guess after drinking lots and lots of vodka, I shouldn’t be quite so quick to judge walkers.

I had a great night and I do of course, love the West.  As well, happy birthday to Mr. G and a special thanks to my good friend, Mr. A.