Tag: comedy

The Talimammy

The house was quiet, not a murmur or even the sound of wind whistling.

“No fuckin’ way. What the fuck?” I roared looking at the computer screen. My perfect life suddenly shattered.

My Mammy ran into the room.

“What’s wrong?”

There was a moment of silence.

“It’s not that bloody chess again? For God’s sake.”

I’m too annoyed to speak. My blood is boiling, my eyes bulge. I had just thrown away my queen, blundering to another catastrophic defeat. My queen had been a thorn in the side of the enemy till that point. How could my Mam not understand the anguish.”

“That’s it no more chess in this house. It’s banned. You can go up to your own house if you want to play it. Imagine, if your nephews heard you roaring like that. Such a bad example. And you, in your mid-forties”

“You can’t ban chess. What are you? The Taliban?” I replied mockingly, “So, I can go drinking and whoring but no chess?”

“That’s right.”

“Even kill?

“Yep”

“Are you a secret Osama or something”

She wasn’t joking. Now my time spent visiting is about getting a few quick games in here and there.. Anything to feed the monster inside. If I get caught, the computer is off no matter the damage to my ratings.

Talking to a Scammer (comedy)

We all have little quirks to our character. Things that don’t really make sense. One of mine is that I love winding up scammers. And today is no exception.

Yesterday I received a friend request from what looked like quite an elderly lady called Jacinta Halpin. I wondered whether I should accept it. If I’m going to be a famous author, I need as many “friends” as I can. So I accepted and forgot about it.

Then today things got interesting when I got the following message –

JC

Hello Mark

How are you doing?

Ah, that’s nice of the sweet old lady. Might as well be nice and reply.

Me

I’m doing good and u?

JC

Good to hear from you. I’m doing amazingly well too. I have been trying to reach you here because I saw your name on the (DHHS) list. Have you heard from them yet?

Game on. I didn’t expect this convo to become interesting.

Me

Who are the DHHS?

Play dumb. I want the fun to last.

JC

The Department of health and human services , they have a campaign program to help pensioners, workers, youth, old and disabled with money in the community and your name was on the winner list . Did you get anything from them?

Ah ha, I have been targeted. All is fair in love, war and scamming.

Me

Nope.

How much will I get?

JC

Oh, really? I received 150,000 cash from the program when I applied and you don’t have to pay it back , do you know how to apply for the program?

Me

No, sounds super.

How do I apply?

JC

A link appears on a picture of a suited man with an American flag in the background. It appears to be another Facebook page.

Click on the link it we lead you to the agent page message them that you are ready to apply for your own winning money okay

No way I’m clicking but you don’t know that.

Do I have to give my bank details?

I have them here if needed

So happy I’m getting money from US Dept even though i’m in Ireland

i’m so lucky

thank you so much

JC

You didn’t have to give that

Have you message the agent?

The fun

yes

& I was about to lose the house

the kids have been starving all day

JC

Trust me I don’t want you to be skeptical about this, everything about this program  is real and legit. You know I can’t pull your leg into a scam or to hurt you no I can’t do such, Just put your mind at rest

Any respond from the agent?

The scammer is getting suspicious. Why is everyone so paranoid?

no not yet

i know you wouldn’t scam me

Why won’t he email me?

JC

Text me your email

I text him my dodgy email I use for nefarious purposes. He replies with a thumbs-up emoji.

Me

Still no email?

JC

Just click on the link and message the agent now so that he can proceed on your winning money

Me

I did

didn’t work

can you get email sent to me

?

will try that way

JC

Email xxxxxxxx@gmail.com

Message them on

email right now

?

Me

sent email

so excited

Why did you unsend your email?

Still waiting

JC sent a thumbs up emoji

I now have one less Facebook “friend”.

Mark goes for an interview (comedy)

I love going to interviews but have failed to get the expected promotions. I trundle into the room for the latest one. There are three interviewers, one man and two women. They are well dressed and I reckon they are in their sixties.

There is a long desk. I drive into the middle, they are on the other side.

Male Interviewer: Welcome Mark (M), my name is Seamus (S). I will be asking you about your CV and your past accomplishments. To my left is Yvonne who will ask you about achieving results and performance through people. Finally, Siobhan (S) will ask you questions about Communication and about managing people. I will now start the interview

S: So Mark, I see that you went to College. Can you tell me a bit about that and what you learned?

M: It was great craic altogether. I learned all about hardcore drinking. My friend Timmy thought me all about drugs and then there were the women..

S: I mean from a work perspective, what did you learn?

M: Feck all really. You know, I just wanted to hang out for a while. There was something I learned. I knew you’d ask this you see. I’m a clever boy. What was it? Oh yeah reading. Talk about boring. I mostly just looked at the pictures.

S: Right, I’ll continue on I guess. What is your achievement you are most proud of?

M: When I drank twelve vodkas in one day.

S: Why are you here? Do you really want this job?

M: Well my holidays were cancelled and sure I said, I may as well. A few extra euro ya know.

S: Ok Mark, thanks for that. I’ll now pass you over to Yvonne.

Y: Mark, can you tell us how would you resolve conflict?

M: By ramming them in my wheelchair.

Y: Oh dear. What do you do when your Manager asks you to do something you disagree with?

M: Ignore him. He can get tetchy when told to feck off.

Y. Right em can you tell me about a time you delivered results?

M: Not really, I don’t like exams.

Y. That’s it for me from now. I’ll pass you over to Siobhan.

S. Tell me what your role would be if you got this job?

M: To order people about. I like that sort of thing.

S: What would you do if you received a customer complaint?

M: Oh, I hate customers. Tell someone else to do deal with it. That’s what management is all about ain’t it?

S: What would you do if one of your subordinates wasn’t pulling their weight in the team?

M: Tell them to cop on. I’m not going to do it for them.

S: Ok Mark, I think that’s enough questions for now. Is there anything you’d like to ask?

M: When do I start?

S: The HR Department will be in contact with you shortly to let you know the outcome.

Well readers, what do you think? Will I get it?

Writing Panel (comedy)

My dear readers, I attended my very first writing panel event during the week. This was a big deal for me as it was the first time I was invited to anything in my capacity as a writer, that I hadn’t organized myself. Kind of like Mr. Bean getting a Christmas Card from somebody other than himself. It was titled “Pathways to Publishing” and it was run by Westmeath Arts Office.

So, last Thursday I trundled down to the library, not quite sure what to expect. When I was first invited, I thought that the other writers would be very low key, you know like myself. Then I heard that the writing God that is Patricia Gibney would be in attendance. So, this would be higher profile than I thought. She would obviously be the star and there would be myself and other low key writers at her alter.

But, I was wrong. There would be myself, Patricia Gibney and Anne Griffin who is the author of the Irish No. 1 bestseller ‘When All Is Said’. She also won the Newcomer of the Year Irish Book Awards 2019 and was longlisted for the Dublin Literary Award 2021. I was now a mere mortal between Gods.

In footballing terms I felt like a player from the Conference league in England getting to play on a team with Messi and Ronaldo.

I was pleased when my ebooks had two hundred free downloads during a week. Patricia Gibney has sold millions. Anne’s books have been translated into more languages than I have followers.

I brought along my books. They could easily find theirs stocked right there in the library.

But, as everybody knows I have a hard neck and was going to promote myself as best I could no matter what. I told the audience about why my novels were every bit the masterpieces.

A good crowd turned up may twelve to fifteen people. I was a bit surprised there wasn’t more given the names of the other two panel members. But those that did show up listened intently giving it an intimate atmosphere. The library should be a writers paradise, but I always envisaged writers meeting in a smoke filled place of debauchery. Maybe, it’s just me.

There were secondary school students a few meters away behind us wasting their youth studying. Surely, everybody their age knows about Netflix by now.

I learned a lot. The Gods write, then rewrite, then talk to lots of people and write some more. They are true professionals and at times it sounded like hard work. I have a day job for that sort of thing. I rarely rewrite things at all. My mind drifts onto other things, other projects.

They recommend that you submit your short stories to competitions, I’m all about building brand Mark.

I may never get to their heaven but I’m more than happy where I am. Here, with you my readers.

The Horror (Comedy)

This may be a time of war, starvation, homelessness and despair but its rare for me to be truly horrified. But, this was a truly terrible confession by Mr R (to keep anonymity). It took some minutes for me to stop shaking with the dread. Well Mr R was out on the town having some beers. All good so far. It has to be done after all. I’d like to imagine he was chatting up everything with a skirt.

And as is customary he decided to have some vodka when he got home. As God would have intended. Well, after pouring himself a triple or so, he had a sip and let the taste hit his tongue.

But he decided that he had his fill and threw it down the sink.

“How could you?” I said

“It’s just so wrong?”

“Think of all the alcos dying for a drop, how do you live with yourself?”

The horror.

All those years of patience, seeking perfection ruined.

Perhaps, it started its life as a potato out in a field full of hope that someday in the future, it could be distilled into the most perfect vodka before being drank by a good man. Hopes now cruelly dashed.

I think of that partially empty bottle of vodka, all alone in a fridge somewhere wondering what is the meaning of it all.

It’ll take time folks but I’ll be okay. Each hour I’m thinking about that beautiful full glass of vodka, a little bit less. I’m strong, I can do it.

Reality (comedy)

Thud, thud, thud.

Mr. B, my anonymized brother (blog fully GDPR compliant) enters the room while I am watching tv.

“You still awake?”

“Why yes, Mr. B I am fully awake.”

“What shite are you watching now?”

“I am watching a physics documentary about the tiniest of particles that could form the basis of reality.”

“Why do you care? Ya don’t live in reality anyway.”

Well Mr. B never ceases to amaze and he always starts such interesting conversations. Mr. B really is a closet genius.

“Very good point Mr. B I think you are alluding to the fact that as two independent observers we might not share the same reality. Or maybe you are alluding to the fact that there is a multiverse and I am both watching and not watching the tv.”

Mammy enters the room

“Tell Mark to stop bullshitting.”

“Stop Mark, leave Mr. B alone.”

“I love it. Is this like the triple slit experiment?”

They exit the room.

All so very fascinating.

Later that day, I am talking to the auld fella.

He asks, “Do you believe in the afterlife?”

“Well interesting question. If there is a multiverse, there is an innumerable number of yous and countless versions where you are still alive.”

“But what about the me in this life?”

“Oh no chance, you’ll rot.”

Well, he didn’t seem to be overly upbeat about this.

Guess you just can’t please everybody.

The Dirty Pants Dilemma (Comedy)

Something shocking happened recently. The auld people went on a foreign trip recently leaving me and two brothers behind. To maintain anonymity, we will call one of my brothers Mr. B and the other Mr. T. Suddenly, we had to do some “adulting”. Like we’re only in our thirties and okay, maybe fortyish.

“Children are not just for Christmas,” we said. “Why can’t we come?”

The only response was some funny looks and something about us being old now. Old!? Imagine that.

They didn’t even warn us not to have parties. It’s like they knew we’d have nobody to ask to come.

All seemed to be going okay till Mr. B realized he had run out of clean underpants. Then Mr. T washed his clothes only. Mr. B flummoxed by the washing machine wanted a written guarantee that Mr. T wouldn’t mess up his clothes. This was a step too far for Mr. T.

So, there was a stand-off and the wearing of some dirty pants.

Fortunately, they were only gone for a few days so we thought it best not to ring Childline and report them for child neglect.

Apparently, they had a great time. They weren’t worried about us at all. We didn’t have the heart to tell them about the dirty pants.

Cults – A new understanding! (Comedy)

When I grow up I want to be rich and famous. My Mum would state that a man in his forties is grown up, but I tell her that kind of thinking is so last century. That I am still the future. A blank canvas that still has to be painted on. The world is my oyster. Like, I’ll probably live to be two hundred or something. At this point, she rolls her eyes and tell me that yes, I am correct and not at all insane like my brother says.

But I digress, what would the ideal job be to achieve these aims? Some would say an astronaut or maybe a professional sports player. Not sure if I’d make a great soccer player though. But they would be wrong. You want to be a cult leader! Preferably one that you start yourself. Joining someone else’s cult is a truly terrible idea. Lots of mediation without the zen.

No, being the cult leader is where I want to be. That’s where the cash, sex and power is. The drawback of course is the hours of talking nonsense I’d have to do. Ah, I might just about manage it.

You are probably wondering by this stage where I got such great inspiration from. From Sky Documentaries of course! Honestly, the things I learn from just watching watching tv. It was a documentary about a cult called Nxivm. Like you, I thought who would put an “x” after an “n”, but then I noticed how it shows up internet searches. It has no competition. Very clever.

The documentary was supposed to be about what an evil cult it was, which was true I guess. But I thought it was a brilliant “how to brainwash people” tutorial. It’s all about breaking people down psychologically so that they can be easily influenced. Great stuff altogether. I was nearly in tears by the end of it. It did have a sad ending though – the cult leader went to jail. I reckon I could do better.

So, have I told you all about how great I am and how I can lead you to “enlightenment”, to be the best person you can be??

Ever wonder why you don’t get that job/girl/house?

Don’t worry you can trust me, like I have a website and everything. What could possibly go wrong?

My friend Herbert Part III

He had always been there, rarely moving more than 30 centimeters and that was just for food. Quite the lazy spider really, did feck all and that’s saying something coming from me. He must have been on the spider equivalent of being on the dole. In that one spot, right over my head. Till he wasn’t. I looked everywhere like up, down, left and right. But nope, he is gone. Just like that, no goodbyes or thanks for the memories.

It can only be work of the the evil (creative license) Mr. R (no breaches of GDPR on my website). My mother hasn’t been near the place. Perhaps, it was jealousy or just basic hygiene, but poor Herbert and his dirty web are gone. Oh how I cried, well there was one tear anyway although that could have been the bit of hair that got stuck in my eye.

We hadn’t really been getting along recently. As I’ve been saying he never put much effort into our friendship. It was like I was just more furniture to him. Hopefully the passing was fast, like with a hoover or something and not what my little brother used to do to spiders..

Revenge will be swift but what to do? Put salt in his tea, “accidentally” drive over his toes. I need plausible deniability. Well, at least I now have plenty of time on my own to contemplate. Hours and hours of just me in this little room, looking left, looking right.

Wait! What’s that I see? It’s too big and furry to be a spider.. I wonder what’s its name?

My new friend Herbert (comedy)

Well I guess just like everyone else during these times of covid, it’s very difficult to make new friends. The world has become a much smaller place. That’s why I think it should be celebrated when you do. Me and Herbert have so many things in common.

  • we more or less live in the same place, except he lives a little higher off the ground. He can easily see me at my workstation below him and I just have to look up to see him.
  • we both like our food albeit different types in fairness.
  • outside could be potentially hazardous for us both.

But, there are things that set us apart –

I have only two legs but he has eight.

I seem to be the more energetic one, which quite frankly doesn’t say much for him. He seems to sit for hours without moving. Quite impressive in my eyes.

What I really like about Herbert is that he’s always there to listen and never interrupts me. What more could I ask for?

Yes, I think we’ll be bff till one of my PAs hoovers him up.