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My friend Herbert Part III

He had always been there, rarely moving more than 30 centimeters and that was just for food. Quite the lazy spider really, did feck all and that’s saying something coming from me. He must have been on the spider equivalent of being on the dole. In that one spot, right over my head. Till he wasn’t. I looked everywhere like up, down, left and right. But nope, he is gone. Just like that, no goodbyes or thanks for the memories.

It can only be work of the the evil (creative license) Mr. R (no breaches of GDPR on my website). My mother hasn’t been near the place. Perhaps, it was jealousy or just basic hygiene, but poor Herbert and his dirty web are gone. Oh how I cried, well there was one tear anyway although that could have been the bit of hair that got stuck in my eye.

We hadn’t really been getting along recently. As I’ve been saying he never put much effort into our friendship. It was like I was just more furniture to him. Hopefully the passing was fast, like with a hoover or something and not what my little brother used to do to spiders..

Revenge will be swift but what to do? Put salt in his tea, “accidentally” drive over his toes. I need plausible deniability. Well, at least I now have plenty of time on my own to contemplate. Hours and hours of just me in this little room, looking left, looking right.

Wait! What’s that I see? It’s too big and furry to be a spider.. I wonder what’s its name?

My friend Herbert Part II

I’m not quite sure me and Herbert the spider are still the best of buddies. Just a sense I’m getting. It was all going so well – working from home, chatting to Herbert. Me telling him all my problems, him listening to me hopefully. That’s if he can hear at all.

But lately, he’s being getting on my nerves. Like all he does is just sit there, never moving – just hoping some fly will come along out of nowhere. I left all the windows and doors open for ages but to no avail. It would want to be a fairly thick or suicidal fly to be honest. I did see him eating something once, but it didn’t look the best and that’s saying something. I’ve been telling him his web really isn’t in the best of spots and could he not put some effort in and move to a better location with more potential. Using all the key buzzwords that we use nowadays but nada, nothing. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t like bees.

I tell Herbert that David Attenborough would not be impressed. That if we made a documentary about him and his exploits nobody would care if spiders were going extinct. Maybe I’m too harsh. I’m thinking he might be gone into hibernation or maybe he’s dead. Maybe he thinks the same about me. Why is this silly human stuck in this little room doing fuck all? Why does he just sit there? He wouldn’t understand about the internet and stuff and how I’m actually very busy and living this great life.

In any event, his little area is now in a special area of conservative of sorts. I told him he will be fine and live to a ripe old age, unless my mother calls. Then only God can save him. Even in this modern age of gay marriage, changing sex etc, I don’t think there is a place in her heart for the friendship between a man and a spider. All she will see is a dirty web. I told him not worry, his progeny will always return.

Review of “The Testaments” by Margaret Atwood

People who know me know me well, know that one thing I really like is a good dystopia. Whether it’s zombies ripping people to shreds or women imprisoned in a system where they serve no purpose other than to breed. Like, what is there not to like.

I’m a big fan of the tv series “The Handmaids Tale” but I only found the acclaimed novel so-so. So, I wasn’t quite sure what I’d make of the Booker Prize winning “The Testaments”. It is a prize I’d love to win myself someday!

Well, I don’t think I have ever read a book so fast. I could barely leave the book down. Firstly, it’s not what I would have expected. It’s a sequel to both the novel “The Handmaid’s Tale” and the TV series. I thought it was going to be a regurgitation of the second series, but no it is entirely original.

Aunt Lydia is just brilliant in this novel and by far the most interesting character. You get to see that she was playing the long game all along, which is an interesting twist. She is far more intelligent than has been let on till now.

This dynamic is a bit unusual for such a feminist novel. We’re back to a woman gaining power over men through the use of her wit. In more modern novels/tv, female and male charactars tend to ape one another.

You also learn much more about the inner workings of Gilead and the existential problems it faced. Like, all imaginary worlds it doesn’t take long to think of questions that would limit their stability. Gilead is no exception. The demeaning of women has led to them abandoning the sinking ship

I can see this having further tv show potential. She has brought the story on again. Although it’s just as likely it will go in a totally different direction.

For my regular readers I am now throwing in a short poem. My first foray into poetry. Please do let me know what you think –

Meaning by Mark Ahern

Tick tock that is the sound of the beating clock 

Tick tock we grow old wither and die 

Tick tock the universe forever expands 

Tick tock a new infant is born 

Tick tock love blossoms and bloom 

Friendships are won and lost  

Fortunes are gathered and blown 

Tick tock enjoy each second you have 

Update October 2020

Hello readers, I do hope you are all keeping safe and healthy in these very strange times. Ireland is currently beginning its second lock-down and it feels even more depressing than the first. This is just a quick update to say how the blog is going and my plans for the future. This year is on track to at least match the number of views in 2019, which is a reasonable achievement considering that in 2019 the blog received a huge boost from free Facebook advertising. I have managed to achieve my goal of increasing the number of views per user, which I put down to the ever increasing content on the website.

Still trying to promote “The Irish Ripper”. It has proven to be a difficult thing to do during a pandemic. But I’m trying my best to adapt to this new reality. In fact, I am going to do my first virtual book reading this week. Wish me luck! If it goes well I may do more of these in future. If it’s a disaster maybe not lol.

Going into the future I intend to keep doing the comedy pieces, short stories and the odd article about other issues. I am also, albeit very slowly working away at my next novel. I have a title for it but recently thinking of a change so won’t make it public for now. It will be a sequel to “The Irish Ripper”.

Currently reading “The Testaments” by Margaret Atwood. I loved her novel “The Handmaids Tale” and I’m really enjoying this one so far. I might put a review up on the blog when I’m finished.

I am also considering doing podcasts. Only recently realized how easy they are to make. Although I’m sure it’s much more difficult to make ones that people actually want to watch!

Anyways, that’s all for now readers. Please consider subscribing to my mailing list by leaving your email under the “contact me” option.

Have a wonderful day and stay safe everyone!

My new friend Herbert (comedy)

Well I guess just like everyone else during these times of covid, it’s very difficult to make new friends. The world has become a much smaller place. That’s why I think it should be celebrated when you do. Me and Herbert have so many things in common.

  • we more or less live in the same place, except he lives a little higher off the ground. He can easily see me at my workstation below him and I just have to look up to see him.
  • we both like our food albeit different types in fairness.
  • outside could be potentially hazardous for us both.

But, there are things that set us apart –

I have only two legs but he has eight.

I seem to be the more energetic one, which quite frankly doesn’t say much for him. He seems to sit for hours without moving. Quite impressive in my eyes.

What I really like about Herbert is that he’s always there to listen and never interrupts me. What more could I ask for?

Yes, I think we’ll be bff till one of my PAs hoovers him up.

Lauren and James (Pt 5)

James wasn’t quite sure what kind of movie to download to watch with Lauren. Maybe it should be something romantic but what if he was misreading her signals. It could get cringe worthy. But then again, if it was an action film it might be a golden opportunity missed. Oh, anything for a simple life. If only women would tell you what they wanted rather than being so cryptic.

Eventually, he made a decision. Now, he just had to hope that it was the right one.

**********************************************************************************

Lauren had everything exactly the she way she had hoped for. Okay, she had no idea why he had selected “Jurassic Park III or whatever” as the film to watch, but she thought it best not to complain. She had decided to wear a low cut top for the occasion and she could instantly tell that the sight of her cleavage was having the desired effect.

Still, it had taken some tenacity to convince him to get out of his wheelchair and sit on the couch beside her, that she had hastily moved into position. He knew that he would struggle to sit straight and would start to lean sideways, exactly as was then happening.

“Maybe, it would be easier if I put my arm around you like this, see.”

His head rested against her bare shoulder. For a few minutes, they watched the movie. A volcano was blowing up in the film, but she cared not a jot. She flicked James’ ear and he turned towards her. For the first time, they peered into each other’s eyes. She leaned towards him and kissed him on the mouth, gently at first but when he responded, more aggressively. She felt his hands on her breasts. She thought about taking off her clothes, but decided that would be for next time. For twenty minutes, they kissed with hands wandering over their bodies before they realized that his father would be back soon.

“So, what happened at the end of the film?” James asked with a wide grin.

“Who cares?” Lauren laughed, “what made you pick that film anyway?”

“Are you kidding me? It’s romantic. See how those Tyrannosaurus were looking at each other.”

Lauren gave him a knowing kiss and told him she would pick the next one.

Lauren and James Pt 4

James wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. Lauren seemed to be smiling that bit more at him recently and wearing a heavy scented perfume that drove him wild with arousal, although he tried his best not to show it. Instead of her just watching him playing video games, they would talk for hours. Well, mostly Lauren would talk, which was just as well as James would struggle even without his slight speech impediment. But he was an excellent listener, especially to her and that seemed to compensate.

They would discuss everything together and James now felt like he knew everything about her. She even told him about an ex boyfriend that recently contacted her.

“Yeah, imagine that texting me just as I’m about to go home. For you know what! No, that’s just not me anymore.”

James was somewhat stunned, mostly by the fact that a man would not realize what a gem she truly was.

“Oh, I just don’t know.”

James thought he should say something, anything.

“You deserve more,” he replied.

This raised a smile as she flicked her long, curly red hair.

“Why do you say that?”

James turned crimson and struggled to respond.

“Why don’t we watch a movie when I’m here tomorrow. You could download something off the internet.”

“Yyeah that’d be greatt,” replied James.

*************************************************************************

Lauren’s heart was beating ferociously as she got into her car. He definitely likes her, she was sure of it. But just not sure enough to kiss him. Not yet anyway. This film would be the opportunity. She would have to make the move but that was okay, it was the twenty-first century after all.

Every night now, he would enter her dreams and she would tell him how she truly felt. That he brightened her every day. That she loved everything about him.

Yes, it was now the time to do it for real.

Lauren and James Pt 3

James couldn’t quite place the first moment or day it happened, just that it seemed to happen more often now. Looking at the clock to check how much longer it would be till she arrived or that feeling of sadness, even emptiness when she left again. She made him laugh and would cheer him up whenever he felt down. At times, he had to strongly resist asking her to stay. This hadn’t happened with his last Personal Assistant.

The more he thought about it, the more he knew not that something was wrong but different. His last Assistant never made him feel like this. Then one night they kissed. It was only a dream but it made him nervous around her the next day, especially when she leaned over him putting on the sling and some of her hair brushed against his ear. No, he had to put these feelings behind him. Even before his stroke he had never been good with women and now what chance would he have in a chair with slurred speech? Would she be impressed that he had reached a new level in one of his games? No, he didn’t think so, not even if he reached “God” status.

And he didn’t want to lose what he had or to make a fool of himself. Better to keep quiet and keep the status quo. Perhaps, unrequited love was the best he could hope for in any event.

***************************************************************************

“Why, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, he’s just been quieter the last few days. A few days ago, I was going to put on his sling and I felt the atmosphere change abruptly. It was really weird.”

Lauren was chatting with her Mum. They talked about everything and she was the one person that she felt she could always depend on. It was late Saturday evening.

“Maybe, he likes you, like fancies you.”

“What?” she replied incredulously.

“Well, he is a man around your age and you are quite pretty. Look darling if you don’t feel the same way go easy on him. He doesn’t get out of that house much and the two of you get on well, he might be content with that.”

Lauren didn’t know what to say in response. Fortunately, she was now running late and had an excuse to leave, which she quickly took.

She was meeting her friends Suzie and Rose. Lauren hadn’t seen them in a while and had been looking forward to meeting them but now found herself restless as she sat down. Instead of concentrating on what they were saying, her mind became fixated on what her mother said.

Could he really be into her?

She loved spending time with him and didn’t want to lose that, not to mind a good paying job. He was handsome, but surely it would be unprofessional for anything to happen between them. This wasn’t something she felt she could chat about on a night out with her friends, so mostly she stayed quiet.

“What’s wrong with ya?” Rose asked abruptly over the loud music, “barely a peep out of ya alnight?”

Lauren responded that she wasn’t feeling the best and that was kind of true. They told her to drink up, as if alcohol was always the best solution.

Then just as she was on her last pint, her phone buzzed telling her that she had received a text message. Her heart missed a beat. It was Stephen, the guy she had being having a “thing” with. She hadn’t heard from him for some time.

“Ah, not him again,” Rose exclaimed sensing her unease, “he’s only after an easy ride when your pissed.”

True, but she hadn’t had sex in a while. What would she do?

Lauren and James Pt 2

By the time Lauren had finally managed to enter the house, she had already learned quite a lot about the man she would be looking after. His father had made sure of that. His name was James and he had been an engineer up till a few years previous when he had a massive stroke that left him partially paralyzed down his right side. He now needed assistance with basic things that the average person takes for granted.

But one thing Lauren had not expected was that he would be so handsome, with strong masculine features such as a square jaw with piercing blue eyes and a mop of unbrushed, black hair. He was shabbily dressed though with skin so pale that he must not have seen sunlight in months. The room had a stale, dusty smell.

They quickly exchanged pleasantries but he seemed somewhat shy and they didn’t make eye contact. It was the father who took charge of the conversation telling her what she was and was not expected to do. Some of her tasks were simple household chores whereas others involved James’ personal care. She was just about starting to feel confident when the father abruptly told her that he was now on the way out and would be back in a few hours. At least he was finished talking.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

For a moment James was stunned. He had not expected her to be beautiful but she was with long, curly red hair covering her shoulders; a petite body with curves in all the right places. He wasn’t sure if this was a good or bad thing, but it was definitely going to be different.

James had never been good with women even prior to acquiring a disability. He had always put his studies and work first. This was something that he later regretted.

In truth what he did feel was somewhat intimidated. He tried to look away so that he could compose himself, hoping she wouldn’t notice his palm become sweaty.

His father took the pressure off for some minutes by going through what was expected of her. But all too quickly there was just the two of them.

In fairness, she did try to make conversation but James had no interest in soaps or what was going on in reality television. Fortunately, they found an easy co-existence where James would play his games till he needed her. Though she did seem fixated on opening windows.

He was nervous though the first time they had to get up close and personal. It was about two hours after she had first arrived. He couldn’t stand alone unaided and she had to provide support as he went to sit on a toilet seat. It was the closest that he had been to a woman in some time. Her hair brushed up against his face and he got a strong whiff of her perfume. He just about kept his mind on the job at hand.

After a few hours, his father returned and her time was up. She would be back in two days.

Lauren and James Pt 1 (romance)

Lauren was never quite sure what she wanted to do with her life. But she knew one thing for certain, her days working at a supermarket were over. She was just sick of it, the long hours, the rude customers and the back stabbing co-workers. The coronavirus was the final nail in the coffin. It just wasn’t a job worth dying for and the weeks of stress had taken its toll.

Her mother was not impressed.

“What are you going to do now? And you with no education.”

But Laura didn’t care. After all, she was in her mid-thirties now, old enough to make her own decisions. There would be no change of heart.

The lack of education was something of a problem though. She had regretted leaving school early for quite some time, but there was little she could do about it now.

She had a plan, check the local papers each day and a few key websites. She was sure she would find something although she knew it might take some time.

But the days, then weeks passed. This really wasn’t the kind of economy to be looking for a job in. No jobs were advertised most days. Eventually though, she saw something that piqued her interest.

Personal Assistant required for weekend word for physically disabled man. No prior experience necessary. Please contact…

It wouldn’t have been the kind of job that she had thought about doing previously but she might as well look into it. After all, she had nothing to lose. Later that day she rang the contact number, trying to make sure to sound enthusiastic on the phone.

“Hello! I’m ringing about the job advertisement in the papers.”

An aged voice spoke back to her.

“Oh yes, it’s for my son you see. He needs assistance on Saturdays/Sundays. It would be private work for a number of hours each day. Ten euro per hour. If you are interested we’re looking for someone to start straight away.”

Laura was caught off guard and unsure what to say next.

“Yes, I can start straight away.”

There was a palpable sense of relief coming from the other side of the phone.

“Good! You can start this Saturday afternoon.”

He then gave her a complex set of directions, which she hastily tried to write down on a small piece of paper. Then, before she knew it it, he put down the phone.

For the next few days, she wondered if she was doing the right thing but in the end she decided that she might as well give it a try. Before she knew it Saturday had arrived and she was trying to follow the haphazard directions. The house was in a very rural location. The greenery made a nice change for Lauren, but she wished that there were people around to seek directions from. Eventually, she was pretty sure that she had located the correct house and she tried to steady her nerves as she parked in front of what was a large, imposing house. It had a beautiful, wooded area toward the front and Lauren found herself wondering what the back was like.

She had just managed to put on her mask, when an old man, probably in his seventies gingerly walked towards her car.

“This must be Lauren,” he said with a wide smile as she got out of the car.

In truth, she could barely get a word in as he showed her in through the front door.

****

James hadn’t expected to feel so down but he was. Martha had been one of the rocks that he had come to depend on. For five years, she had been by his side. Like clockwork, she had shown up each day and helped him with the little things. Ever since that faithful day, he had finally managed to make it home. But now she was gone to what he had to admit was a well deserved retirement.

Now, he had to get used to “new people” as his father called it.

There would be a new carer coming Saturday, he wasn’t to worry. All James knew was that it was another woman. Probably another old woman, he thought to himself.

Saturday arrived and if he hadn’t already known, he would have by his excited father. Talkative at the best of times, he had notched it up a gear. The poor woman better like to chat, he thought to himself as he heard the sound of a car pulling up.